杏MAP导航

LOVE IN MARRIAGE

89. All that has been said so far would be insufficient to express the Gospel of marriage and the family, were we not also to speak of love.  For we cannot encourage a path of fidelity and mutual self-giving without encouraging the growth, strengthening and deepening of conjugal and family love.  Indeed, the grace of the sacrament of marriage is intended before all else 鈥渢o perfect the couple鈥檚 love鈥�.[1]  Here too we can say that, 鈥渆ven if I have faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing鈥� (1 Cor 13:2-3). The word 鈥渓ove鈥�, however, is commonly used and often misused.

Our daiLy love

90. In a lyrical passage of Saint Paul, we see some of the features of true love:  鈥淟ove is patient, love is kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things鈥� (1 Cor 13:4-7). Love is experienced and nurtured in the daily life of couples and their children.  It is helpful to think more deeply about the meaning of this Pauline text and its relevance for the concrete situation of every family.

Love is patient

91. The first word used is makrothyméi.  This does not simply have to do with 鈥渆nduring all things鈥�, because we find that idea expressed at the end of the seventh verse.  Its meaning is clarified by the Greek translation of the Old Testament, where we read that God is 鈥渟low to anger鈥� (Ex 34:6; Num 14:18).  It refers, then, to the quality of one who does not act on impulse and avoids giving offense.  We find this quality in the God of the Covenant, who calls us to imitate him also within the life of the family.  Saint Paul鈥檚 texts using this word need to be read in the light of the Book of Wisdom (cf. 11:23; 12:2, 15-18), which extols God鈥檚 restraint, as leaving open the possibility of repentance, yet insists on his power, as revealed in his acts of mercy.  God鈥檚 鈥減atience鈥�, shown in his mercy towards sinners, is a sign of his real power.

92. Being patient does not mean letting ourselves be constantly mistreated, tolerating physical aggression or allowing other people to use us.  We encounter problems whenever we think that relationships or people ought to be perfect, or when we put ourselves at the centre and expect things to turn out our way.  Then everything makes us impatient, everything makes us react aggressively.  Unless we cultivate patience, we will always find excuses for responding angrily.  We will end up incapable of living together, antisocial, unable to control our impulses, and our families will become battlegrounds.  That is why the word of God tells us: 鈥淟et all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, with all malice鈥� (Eph 4:31). Patience takes root when I recognize that other people also have a right to live in this world, just as they are.  It does not matter if they hold me back, if they unsettle my plans, or annoy me by the way they act or think, or if they are not everything I want them to be.  Love always has an aspect of deep compassion that leads to accepting the other person as part of this world, even when he or she acts differently than I would like.

Love is at the service of others

93. The next word that Paul uses is chrestéuetai. The word is used only here in the entire Bible.  It is derived from chrestós: a good person, one who shows his goodness by his deeds.  Here, in strict parallelism with the preceding verb, it serves as a complement.  Paul wants to make it clear that 鈥減atience鈥� is not a completely passive attitude, but one accompanied by activity, by a dynamic and creative interaction with others.  The word indicates that love benefits and helps others.  For this reason it is translated as 鈥渒ind鈥�; love is ever ready to be of assistance.

94. Throughout the text, it is clear that Paul wants to stress that love is more than a mere feeling.  Rather, it should be understood along the lines of the Hebrew verb 鈥渢o love鈥�; it is 鈥渢o do good鈥�.  As Saint Ignatius of Loyola said, 鈥淟ove is shown more by deeds than by words鈥�.[3]  It thus shows its fruitfulness and allows us to experience the happiness of giving, the nobility and grandeur of spending ourselves unstintingly, without asking to be repaid, purely for the pleasure of giving and serving. 

Love is not jealous

95. Saint Paul goes on to reject as contrary to love an attitude expressed by the verb zelói 鈥� to be jealous or envious.  This means that love has no room for discomfiture at another person鈥檚 good fortune (cf. Acts 7:9; 17:5).  Envy is a form of sadness provoked by another鈥檚 prosperity; it shows that we are not concerned for the happiness of others but only with our own well-being.  Whereas love makes us rise above ourselves, envy closes us in on ourselves.  True love values the other person鈥檚 achievements.  It does not see him or her as a threat.  It frees us from the sour taste of envy.  It recognizes that everyone has different gifts and a unique path in life.  So it strives to discover its own road to happiness, while allowing others to find theirs.

96. In a word, love means fulfilling the last two commandments of God鈥檚 Law: 鈥淵ou shall not covet your neighbour鈥檚 house; you shall not covet your neighbour鈥檚 wife, or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbour鈥檚鈥� (Ex 20:17).  Love inspires a sincere esteem for every human being and the recognition of his or her own right to happiness.  I love this person, and I see him or her with the eyes of God, who gives us everything 鈥渇or our enjoyment鈥� (1 Tim 6:17).  As a result, I feel a deep sense of happiness and peace.  This same deeply rooted love also leads me to reject the injustice whereby some possess too much and others too little.  It moves me to find ways of helping society鈥檚 outcasts to find a modicum of joy.  That is not envy, but the desire for equality.

Love is not boastful

97. The following word, perpereúetai, denotes vainglory, the need to be haughty, pedantic and somewhat pushy.  Those who love not only refrain from speaking too much about themselves, but are focused on others; they do not need to be the centre of attention.  The word that comes next 鈥� physioútai 鈥� is similar, indicating that love is not arrogant.  Literally, it means that we do not become 鈥減uffed up鈥� before others.  It also points to something more subtle: an obsession with showing off and a loss of a sense of reality. Such people think that, because they are more 鈥渟piritual鈥� or 鈥渨ise鈥�, they are more important than they really are.  Paul uses this verb on other occasions, as when he says that 鈥渒nowledge puffs up鈥�, whereas 鈥渓ove builds up鈥� (1 Cor 8:1). Some think that they are important because they are more knowledgeable than others; they want to lord it over them.  Yet what really makes us important is a love that understands, shows concern, and embraces the weak.  Elsewhere the word is used to criticize those who are 鈥渋nflated鈥� with their own importance (cf. 1 Cor 4:18) but in fact are filled more with empty words than the real 鈥減ower鈥� of the Spirit (cf. 1 Cor 4:19).

98. It is important for Christians to show their love by the way they treat family members who are less knowledgeable about the faith, weak or less sure in their convictions.  At times the opposite occurs: the supposedly mature believers within the family become unbearably arrogant. Love, on the other hand, is marked by humility; if we are to understand, forgive and serve others from the heart, our pride has to be healed and our humility must increase.  Jesus told his disciples that in a world where power prevails, each tries to dominate the other, but 鈥渋t shall not be so among you鈥� (Mt 20:26).  The inner logic of Christian love is not about importance and power; rather, 鈥渨hoever would be first among you must be your slave鈥� (Mt 20:27).  In family life, the logic of domination and competition about who is the most intelligent or powerful destroys love. Saint Peter鈥檚 admonition also applies to the family: 鈥淐lothe yourselves, all of you, with humility towards one another, for 鈥楪od opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble鈥欌�� (1 Pet 5:5).

Love is not rude

99. To love is also to be gentle and thoughtful, and this is conveyed by the next word, aschemonéi. It indicates that love is not rude or impolite; it is not harsh.  Its actions, words and gestures are pleasing and not abrasive or rigid.  Love abhors making others suffer.  Courtesy 鈥渋s a school of sensitivity and disinterestedness鈥� which requires a person 鈥渢o develop his or her mind and feelings, learning how to listen, to speak and, at certain times, to keep quiet鈥�.[4]  It is not something that a Christian may accept or reject.  As an essential requirement of love, 鈥渆very human being is bound to live agreeably with those around him鈥�.[5]  Every day, 鈥渆ntering into the life of another, even when that person already has a part to play in our life, demands the sensitivity and restraint which can renew trust and respect.  Indeed, the deeper love is, the more it calls for respect for the other鈥檚 freedom and the ability to wait until the other opens the door to his or her heart鈥�.[6]

100. To be open to a genuine encounter with others, 鈥渁 kind look鈥� is essential.  This is incompatible with a negative attitude that readily points out other people鈥檚 shortcomings while overlooking one鈥檚 own.  A kind look helps us to see beyond our own limitations, to be patient and to cooperate with others, despite our differences. Loving kindness builds bonds, cultivates relationships, creates new networks of integration and knits a firm social fabric.  In this way, it grows ever stronger, for without a sense of belonging we cannot sustain a commitment to others; we end up seeking our convenience alone and life in common becomes impossible.  Antisocial persons think that others exist only for the satisfaction of their own needs.  Consequently, there is no room for the gentleness of love and its expression.  Those who love are capable of speaking words of comfort, strength, consolation, and encouragement.  These were the words that Jesus himself spoke: 鈥淭ake heart, my son!鈥� (Mt 9:2); 鈥淕reat is your faith!鈥� (Mt 15:28); 鈥淎rise!鈥� (Mk 5:41); 鈥淕o in peace鈥� (Lk 7:50); 鈥淏e not afraid鈥� (Mt 14:27).  These are not words that demean, sadden, anger or show scorn.  In our families, we must learn to imitate Jesus鈥� own gentleness in our way of speaking to one another.

Love is generous

101. We have repeatedly said that to love another we must first love ourselves.  Paul鈥檚 hymn to love, however, states that love 鈥渄oes not seek its own interest鈥�, nor 鈥渟eek what is its own鈥�. This same idea is expressed in another text: 鈥淟et each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others鈥� (Phil 2:4). The Bible makes it clear that generously serving others is far more noble than loving ourselves. Loving ourselves is only important as a psychological prerequisite for being able to love others: 鈥淚f a man is mean to himself, to whom will he be generous?  No one is meaner than the man who is grudging to himself鈥� (Sir 14:5-6).

102. Saint Thomas Aquinas explains that 鈥渋t is more proper to charity to desire to love than to desire to be loved鈥�;[7] indeed, 鈥渕others, who are those who love the most, seek to love more than to be loved鈥�.[8]  Consequently, love can transcend and overflow the demands of justice, 鈥渆xpecting nothing in return鈥� (Lk 6:35), and the greatest of loves can lead to 鈥渓aying down one鈥檚 life鈥� for another (cf. Jn 15:13).  Can such generosity, which enables us to give freely and fully, really be possible?  Yes, because it is demanded by the Gospel: 鈥淵ou received without pay, give without pay鈥� (Mt 10:8).

Love is not irritable or resentful

103. If the first word of Paul鈥檚 hymn spoke of the need for a patience that does not immediately react harshly to the weaknesses and faults of others, the word he uses next 鈥� paroxýnetai 鈥� has to do more with an interior indignation provoked by something from without.  It refers to a violent reaction within, a hidden irritation that sets us on edge where others are concerned, as if they were troublesome or threatening and thus to be avoided.  To nurture such interior hostility helps no one.  It only causes hurt and alienation. Indignation is only healthy when it makes us react to a grave injustice; when it permeates our attitude towards others it is harmful. 

104. The Gospel tells us to look to the log in our own eye (cf. Mt 7:5).  Christians cannot ignore the persistent admonition of God鈥檚 word not to nurture anger: 鈥淒o not be overcome by evil鈥� (Rm 12:21).  鈥淟et us not grow weary in doing good鈥� (Gal 6:9).  It is one thing to sense a sudden surge of hostility and another to give into it, letting it take root in our hearts: 鈥淏e angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger鈥� (Eph 4:26).  My advice is never to let the day end without making peace in the family. 鈥淎nd how am I going to make peace?  By getting down on my knees?  No!  Just by a small gesture, a little something, and harmony within your family will be restored.  Just a little caress, no words are necessary.  But do not let the day end without making peace in your family鈥�.[9]  Our first reaction when we are annoyed should be one of heartfelt blessing, asking God to bless, free and heal that person.  鈥淥n the contrary bless, for to this you have been called, that you may obtain a blessing鈥� (1 Pet 3:9).  If we must fight evil, so be it; but we must always say 鈥渘o鈥� to violence in the home.

Love forgives

105. Once we allow ill will to take root in our hearts, it leads to deep resentment.  The phrase ou logízetai to kakón means that love 鈥渢akes no account of evil鈥�; 鈥渋t is not resentful鈥�.  The opposite of resentment is forgiveness, which is rooted in a positive attitude that seeks to understand other people鈥檚 weaknesses and to excuse them.  As Jesus said, 鈥淔ather, forgive them; for they know not what they do鈥� (Lk 23:34).  Yet we keep looking for more and more faults, imagining greater evils, presuming all kinds of bad intentions, and so resentment grows and deepens.  Thus, every mistake or lapse on the part of a spouse can harm the bond of love and the stability of the family.  Something is wrong when we see every problem as equally serious; in this way, we risk being unduly harsh with the failings of others.  The just desire to see our rights respected turns into a thirst for vengeance rather than a reasoned defence of our dignity.

106. When we have been offended or let down, forgiveness is possible and desirable, but no one can say that it is easy.  The truth is that 鈥渇amily communion can only be preserved and perfected through a great spirit of sacrifice.  It requires, in fact, a ready and generous openness of each and all to understanding, to forbearance, to pardon, to reconciliation.  There is no family that does not know how selfishness, discord, tension and conflict violently attack and at times mortally wound its own communion: hence there arise the many and varied forms of division in family life鈥�.[10]

107. Today we recognize that being able to forgive others implies the liberating experience of understanding and forgiving ourselves.  Often our mistakes, or criticism we have received from loved ones, can lead to a loss of self-esteem.  We become distant from others, avoiding affection and fearful in our interpersonal relationships. Blaming others becomes falsely reassuring.  We need to learn to pray over our past history, to accept ourselves, to learn how to live with our limitations, and even to forgive ourselves, in order to have this same attitude towards others.

108. All this assumes that we ourselves have had the experience of being forgiven by God, justified by his grace and not by our own merits. We have known a love that is prior to any of our own efforts, a love that constantly opens doors, promotes and encourages.  If we accept that God鈥檚 love is unconditional, that the Father鈥檚 love cannot be bought or sold, then we will become capable of showing boundless love and forgiving others even if they have wronged us.  Otherwise, our family life will no longer be a place of understanding, support and encouragement, but rather one of constant tension and mutual criticism.

Love rejoices with others

109. The expression chaírei epì te adikía has to do with a negativity lurking deep within a person鈥檚 heart.  It is the toxic attitude of those who rejoice at seeing an injustice done to others.  The following phrase expresses its opposite: sygchaírei te aletheía: 鈥渋t rejoices in the right鈥�.  In other words, we rejoice at the good of others when we see their dignity and value their abilities and good works. This is impossible for those who must always be comparing and competing, even with their spouse, so that they secretly rejoice in their failures.

110. When a loving person can do good for others, or sees that others are happy, they themselves live happily and in this way give glory to God, for 鈥淕od loves a cheerful giver鈥� (2 Cor 9:7). Our Lord especially appreciates those who find joy in the happiness of others.  If we fail to learn how to rejoice in the well-being of others, and focus primarily on our own needs, we condemn ourselves to a joyless existence, for, as Jesus said, 鈥渋t is more blessed to give than to receive鈥� (Acts 20:35). The family must always be a place where, when something good happens to one of its members, they know that others will be there to celebrate it with them.

Love bears all things

111. Paul鈥檚 list ends with four phrases containing the words 鈥渁ll things鈥�.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Here we see clearly the countercultural power of a love that is able to face whatever might threaten it.

112. First, Paul says that love 鈥渂ears all things鈥� (panta stégei).  This is about more than simply putting up with evil; it has to do with the use of the tongue.  The verb can mean 鈥渉olding one鈥檚 peace鈥� about what may be wrong with another person. It implies limiting judgment, checking the impulse to issue a firm and ruthless condemnation: 鈥淛udge not and you will not be judged鈥� (Lk 6:37). Although it runs contrary to the way we normally use our tongues, God鈥檚 word tells us: 鈥淒o not speak evil against one another, brothers and sisters鈥� (Jas 4:11).  Being willing to speak ill of another person is a way of asserting ourselves, venting resentment and envy without concern for the harm we may do.  We often forget that slander can be quite sinful; it is a grave offense against God when it seriously harms another person鈥檚 good name and causes damage that is hard to repair.  Hence God鈥檚 word forthrightly states that the tongue 鈥渋s a world of iniquity鈥� that 鈥渟tains the whole body鈥� (Jas 3:6); it is a 鈥渞estless evil, full of deadly poison鈥� (3:8).  Whereas the tongue can be used to 鈥渃urse those who are made in the likeness of God鈥� (3:9), love cherishes the good name of others, even one鈥檚 enemies.  In seeking to uphold God鈥檚 law we must never forget this specific requirement of love.

113. Married couples joined by love speak well of each other; they try to show their spouse鈥檚 good side, not their weakness and faults.  In any event, they keep silent rather than speak ill of them.  This is not merely a way of acting in front of others; it springs from an interior attitude.  Far from ingenuously claiming not to see the problems and weaknesses of others, it sees those weaknesses and faults in a wider context. It recognizes that these failings are a part of a bigger picture.  We have to realize that all of us are a complex mixture of light and shadows.  The other person is much more than the sum of the little things that annoy me.  Love does not have to be perfect for us to value it.  The other person loves me as best they can, with all their limits, but the fact that love is imperfect does not mean that it is untrue or unreal.  It is real, albeit limited and earthly.  If I expect too much, the other person will let me know, for he or she can neither play God nor serve all my needs.  Love coexists with imperfection.  It 鈥渂ears all things鈥� and can hold its peace before the limitations of the loved one.

Love believes all things

114. Panta pisteúei. Love believes all things. Here 鈥渂elief鈥� is not to be taken in its strict theological meaning, but more in the sense of what we mean by 鈥渢rust鈥�.  This goes beyond simply presuming that the other is not lying or cheating. Such basic trust recognizes God鈥檚 light shining beyond the darkness, like an ember glowing beneath the ash.

115. This trust enables a relationship to be free. It means we do not have to control the other person, to follow their every step lest they escape our grip.  Love trusts, it sets free, it does not try to control, possess and dominate everything.  This freedom, which fosters independence, an openness to the world around us and to new experiences, can only enrich and expand relationships. The spouses then share with one another the joy of all they have received and learned outside the family circle.  At the same time, this freedom makes for sincerity and transparency, for those who know that they are trusted and appreciated can be open and hide nothing.  Those who know that their spouse is always suspicious, judgmental and lacking unconditional love, will tend to keep secrets, conceal their failings and weaknesses, and pretend to be someone other than who they are.  On the other hand, a family marked by loving trust, come what may, helps its members to be themselves and spontaneously to reject deceit, falsehood, and lies.

Love hopes all things

116. Panta elpízei.  Love does not despair of the future.  Following upon what has just been said, this phrase speaks of the hope of one who knows that others can change, mature and radiate unexpected beauty and untold potential.  This does not mean that everything will change in this life. It does involve realizing that, though things may not always turn out as we wish, God may well make crooked lines straight and draw some good from the evil we endure in this world.

117. Here hope comes most fully into its own, for it embraces the certainty of life after death.  Each person, with all his or her failings, is called to the fullness of life in heaven.  There, fully transformed by Christ鈥檚 resurrection, every weakness, darkness and infirmity will pass away. There the person鈥檚 true being will shine forth in all its goodness and beauty.  This realization helps us, amid the aggravations of this present life, to see each person from a supernatural perspective, in the light of hope, and await the fullness that he or she will receive in the heavenly kingdom, even if it is not yet visible.

Love endures all things

118. Panta hypoménei.  This means that love bears every trial with a positive attitude.  It stands firm in hostile surroundings.  This 鈥渆ndurance鈥� involves not only the ability to tolerate certain aggravations, but something greater: a constant readiness to confront any challenge.  It is a love that never gives up, even in the darkest hour.  It shows a certain dogged heroism, a power to resist every negative current, an irrepressible commitment to goodness.  Here I think of the words of Martin Luther King, who met every kind of trial and tribulation with fraternal love: 鈥淭he person who hates you most has some good in him; even the nation that hates you most has some good in it; even the race that hates you most has some good in it.  And when you come to the point that you look in the face of every man and see deep down within him what religion calls 鈥榯he image of God鈥�, you begin to love him in spite of [everything].  No matter what he does, you see God鈥檚 image there.  There is an element of goodness that he can never sluff off鈥�  Another way that you love your enemy is this: when the opportunity presents itself for you to defeat your enemy, that is the time which you must not do it鈥�  When you rise to the level of love, of its great beauty and power, you seek only to defeat evil systems.  Individuals who happen to be caught up in that system, you love, but you seek to defeat the system鈥�  Hate for hate only intensifies the existence of hate and evil in the universe.  If I hit you and you hit me and I hit you back and you hit me back and so on, you see, that goes on ad infinitum.  It just never ends.  Somewhere somebody must have a little sense, and that鈥檚 the strong person.  The strong person is the person who can cut off the chain of hate, the chain of evil鈥�  Somebody must have religion enough and morality enough to cut it off and inject within the very structure of the universe that strong and powerful element of love鈥�.[11]

119. In family life, we need to cultivate that strength of love which can help us fight every evil threatening it.  Love does not yield to resentment, scorn for others or the desire to hurt or to gain some advantage.  The Christian ideal, especially in families, is a love that never gives up. I am sometimes amazed to see men or women who have had to separate from their spouse for their own protection, yet, because of their enduring conjugal love, still try to help them, even by enlisting others, in their moments of illness, suffering or trial.  Here too we see a love that never gives up.